so its 5 o’clock. somewhere…

its running just after five. somewhere. at any given point on the globe, the world is in a rush to get home…so they can be busy yet again, either making dinner, picking up something for dinner, getting the kids so they can go get dinner.. or in a rush to get ready to go out yet again… only on a friday night… and sadly here i am.. @ work. thinking of you..again. damnit.

humans are strange creatures… and its because our behavior is so predictable.. unless we are given motivation, or some reason to change what we do, we as a species will never change what we know or are comfortable with. you are a great example of this, your routine is pretty much unbroken and predictable. from the time your eyes open in the morning, up to the time you go to bed at night, like a clock. from 0700 to 2100. every day, the same routine. any deviation and you panic. like you, i developed my own routine, and it was built around you. when you were a part of my life, i had always, always made it a point to think of you, at some point in the day, either briefly or for some period of time. i always thought about what you were doing, what i could do to make things better for you.. what we could do together in the future, what i could do to make that future happen.. in the hope, albeit foolishly, that you were thinking the same thing.. alas, some things are just never going to be known. ever since the day you decided to just up and quit. no reason given.

so its 5 o’clock…. somewhere… in my heart, your still here…like that scratch in a record that never allows the needle to go further from the last note played, forever will you be in my mind and heart, the same girl, over and over. until you are bumped from my memory.. you will haunt me like that lost, repetitive note. funny that, because for all i know, in your mind, im already that like that puff of dust in the corner of some forgotten room.. settling back down into some obscure part of your mind.

i envy you… you live your life blissfully without a thought of consequence for your actions, basically living each day without a conscience… that must be nice. unfortunately, i cant do that… i could never live with myself knowing that just because i think its 5 o’clock in either my personal or professional life with someone, that it would be ok to just up and quit. leaving things undone and unresolved is not who i am. i was raised where quitting was not an option. Leaving someone out in the cold and holding the bag, leaving them to make sense of the life you shattered…no, I couldnt bring myself to do that, and maybe thats where im better than you after all. i really wish i could get you to understand that.

oh hey, look @ the time…

“i love you” is so over rated…

another random thought… fueled by hurt? anger? i dont know.. all i know is that we as a society enjoy throwing around that phrase a little too often and more often than not, we say it without really understanding what it means and what the implications are when we say it without meaning it…

i cant tell you how many times i hear coworkers, my kids, other peoples kids, random strangers, people at church, people at the grocery store throwing around the phrase “i love you!“. it sounds good though ya? it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, like you actually mean something to that person.. and maybe to some degree you do. your a friend, an acquaintance, someone that they know in passing… but as someone that is TRULY loved in the way that you might understand it or need to be loved? probably not. yet, we just throw that phrase around like it is something you just pull off the shelf at the 99c store.

it is really painful when you hear it being said by someone that you really and truly believed meant it. i dont know how many blogs i have found where there are people completely despondent after finding out that they one that they loved didnt actually have even one iota of love for them to begin with. how did they get caught up in all of this to begin with? that deadly little phrase of “i love you”.

i know i know… there will be those of you that will blow it off and say “oh they just need to suck it up”, “move on”, “get over it”… really? i like to think of myself as strong as the next person that can remove the emotion from the equation. it is part of my job, it is an inherent skill that one has to learn when working in the medical profession.. you cant let your emotions get in the way. but there is always that side of me that remembers that the people outside of this profession that dont know how to separate themselves from their emotions. it is those people that i am writing for. how many people do we read about that have committed suicide or engage in “cutting” or some form of self harm? better yet, how many people do we not hear about… until they make the paper? it is these people that have been harmed by those three innocent looking, sounding words.. “i love you”…

i think as a society, we have become so desensitized to feeling or caring about what we are doing/saying to the people around us. we see relationships being trashed around on TV like some commercialized greek tragedy. “oh come on”, “its ok” … those same people will show up in another show or movie, perfectly undamaged from what we saw them previously endure. surely, it must be ok then to just completely disregard the fact that as humans, our words, actions and experiences just might shape who we are and who we might actually become in the future. our culture breeds us to be contemptuous of those that arent “strong enough” to endure what we call life. really?! this is ok?! is that why there are thousands of adults and teens out there with some level of psychosis, neurosis or sociopathic tendencies? because they arent “strong enough“? i dont think so… i think it is because we have devalued what we say… the words that we use.

tying this back..”i love you”. really? when you say it, do you truly mean it? do you even remember what those words really mean? do you remember what those words meant to  you as a child? do you remember what those words meant the first time you had a significant other mention it to you? do you remember how it felt when that same person told you in one form or another that they didnt really mean it… that its not what you were thinking? that clearly there was some misunderstanding?

think about that… if you dont really know whether you really mean those words.. try something different…

try ” i trust you “. you dont always trust the people that you love… but you can always choose to love the people/person that you trust. at least with trust.. it has to be earned. emotion doesnt play a role when you make the choice to trust someone. it comes down to a matter of fact and sometimes (foolishly) by faith.

i just wanted to throw that out there into the void of the bloggosphere, add to the billions of voices out there in the world wide web… think about it people, whomever, where ever you may be…

“of all the lies you told me, i love you too… that was my favorite”

– found on the internet

friday mixer

so here it is, another friday. no pics, just random thoughts. i might post some pics later relating to a beatles revival concert that i attended last night. that was fun and entertaining… it could have been more fun if my heart wasnt still breaking into a thousand little pieces.

 

im not really sure what i want to write about. im here @ work, right now and its kinda slow in the ER. then again, i should really bite my tongue, as most of the activity probably wont happen till later on this afternoon when the kids start getting out of school and heading for the pool. last summer wasnt so bad, but that was because our little facility had just opened and people were becoming aware that we were here! UGH!!! there is so much STUFF in my head right now… if i were to just let it flow… we would be all over the place in terms of subjects.

 

i guess the biggest thing that is still filling and swirling around in my head is the fact that what i believed was a real relationship was in fact a farce. it still bugs me that the person that i trusted was no more than a sociopath. the warning signs were all there… secretiveness, irritablility, resistance to change, selfishness, the lying… but somehow, i let my heart lead the way instead of my instincts. if i had listened to my brain, i could have let go of her just as easily as she let me go. it wouldnt be bothering me as much as it does now. i hate the fact that she was my friend… a good friend in fact. someone that i thought i knew for 2 years.. 2 long years… le sigh indeed. i dont know which is harder, letting the memory of our year together go.. or accepting the fact that our 3yrs was nothing more than a sham.. well @ least to one of us it was a sham… it still amazes me that there are people that live that way. a life where the moral compass just shifts direction at any given moment in time. it amazes me that she can close her eyes and sleep as if she did nothing wrong… there are a TON of websites where in the culprit is usually some douche bag of a dude. i wont deny that there are a bunch of men that fit the sociopathic mold… but lets not kid ourselves… women can be just as guilty, if not more so. the problem is that most men have an ego that wont let them admit that they had been had… i do not have that problem. i will readily admit that for a year…i let a sociopath into my life..i willingly allowed her weave her evil little web.. and then pulled the rug out right from under me. SHAME ON ME. such are the sacrifices of those that are willing to put what they hold dear into the hands of someone else. i can totally understand why a heavy majority of people have trust issues and choose to stay single with their feelings in check… my question is this: who really wants to live and love that way? i could do it if i chose to… but why? with the world as messed up as it is already… do we really need to add that much more cynicism to the world?

 

another issue that is percolating away in my head is going back to school. its been almost 8 years since i graduated with my associates degree… ive decided that NOW would be a good time to go back and get my undergrad. there is a satellite university here that will let me finish my associates to bachelors in like 2yrs. it sounds like a great idea ya? then you look @ the price tag! 1300.00 per academic class!!! holy crapola! 2 classes and im 2600.0 in the hole with a son that is trying to go to college as well…ok, truth be told…he might go to college. once he decides that pretending to be dumb is not going to get him the life that he wants to really have. i digress.. anyway, so going back to school could be a cool thing. finally getting that degree could and should bump my pay up, especially if i go and do agency work. random side bar… if i did go agency..it would be international..im thinking new zealand or even australia… nothing @ this point in time to keep me anchored to the states.

another issue that is slowly but surely coming to a boil is what is my retirement going to look like? with the way things are and with having to support my 3 kids going through college, i will either have to live on ramen and rice when i get older or i will have to give up the nice house in the gated community that i now live in and cut back to probably a condo or a very, very small place in the country so that i can have enough to put these rug rats through school… its amazing how fast 17yrs has gone by. it is even more amazing that 20 years ago… i could and should have listened to my mom and put that damn 10% of each of my checks away… when i lost my job 2yrs ago..paying bills and trying to keep up with everything just about drained everything that i had in savings… now that i look @ the numbers..i suddenly come to the realization that i may just have to pack up, sell everything and move to some small 3rd world country just so i can live out the rest of my days comfortably..

le sigh.. i hate it when i have time to think and dwell…

8 minutes..

Its 8 minutes to a new day. 8 minutes…

A lot can happen in 8 minutes. 16 touchdowns can occur in a perfect game, in MMA, a new champion can be had in a round and a half, in 8 minutes.

In these next 8 minutes.. I know that chances are good, you will be sleeping. In your perfect world, its as if i never existed. The times that we shared and the moments that we had are just figments of your imagination.

In 8 minutes, sleep will blissfully render you senseless to the havoc that you caused in my life. In those 8 minutes, you will never feel the betrayal that i feel in regards to the trust i put in you. In 8 minutes..

Tomorrow will be here in those 8 minutes. A new day will start. A day where you will awaken and your only care will be “what can i do for me today?”. In 8 minutes…

Tell me, do you stop and think @ all about what you did to us in those 8 minutes? How does your mind work that what we had doesnt even exist and yet you would look me in the eye and tell me that you loved me? For just 8 minutes… Did i really even exist in your world?

8 minutes… What wouldnt i give to go back in time and relive all our moments together for just 8 minutes… Even if i had to live that loop for all eternity… I could exist quite happily in those blissfull minutes…

8 minutes.. Thats all.. Just 8 freakin minutes

Those moments

Its late morning. Spent the whole night fighting off memories of you and us and what could have been. Im tired. Im tired of knowing that this will be a story without a proper ending. Im tired from hoping that somehow, some way the universe will find a way to let you know that what you are doing and what you have done is NOT ok.

Spent the early morning trying to be busy. Toast was bland, coffee held no special favor, and the sun over the horizon just didnt have the same sense of happiness that it once did.

i hate having the time to just be still and try to be quiet. My mind wont be quiet and my thoughts refuse to be still. It has been a month since you lied and tore, what i thought was a perfect world apart. A month since my trust in you was shattered like glass. A month since you became what you promised youd never be. A month…

It must be nice to live a life without consequence.. A life where your moral compass can point where ever you deem it fit to do so. I envy you. I really and truly do. At the same time, i dont ever want to become you.. I dont even want to contemplate a life of being remotely close to what you are. You see, in my world, im not a quitter. I would never have given up on you, even if things looked their absolute worst.. I never would have given up. I would have done everything i could to find that common ground and build up a new bridge to replace the one that had failed. But thats not who you are. You already proved that. Things got dicey, and you panicked and let your mind create issues and problems that didnt even exist. You, my love, quit on us.

I guess the one thing, that to me is the most important of all is this, I never would have lied to you. I can say that i am proud of myself in that regard. No matter how this turns out in the future.. Whether i see you ever again or not.. I can go to the end of my days and face you before God and say “i never lied to you”. Every word i said, every “i love you intensely” that i mentioned to you, even in passing, i meant from the bottom of my heart.

It saddens me that you have no capacity to realize what you have done, much less what you have thrown away. It hurts me to my soul to know that once we were friends. Allies that trusted each other and used that trust to mutually save lives together.. Side by side.

I do miss you. Horribly. I miss the sound of your voice. The sparkle of blue in your eyes… The smell of your skin when your next to me.

I hate these moments, even though i know in time they will fade to a dusty memory… Truly i hate them.