A billion stars, a single heart

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One day soon.. When my heart is done bleeding and the scars have healed, i hope that the universe will send me a girl that will be my one star in a billion.

She doesnt have to be the brightest burning star in the sky.. Those stars have short lives and vanish just as quickly as they come to life.

She doesnt have to be the prettiest star that sparkles in the sky. That would make her hard to see in the night sky, because all the stars are beautiful…

I just want the star that doesnt burn so brightly and is content to burn in her own way.. Steady and constantly spreading her light and warmth throughout the universe, Determined to outlast the other stars until the end of time.. She is the star i wish for…

I wonder though, what would i have to offer her to get her to notice me? What do you give the single star in the universe that you want to shine on you? Is there even a flower on the earth that can compare to a star in the heavens?

Money can only buy so much, power corrupts people, and station in life only lasts as long as people agree with you… In the end, these things will leave you bitter and alone…

All i have to offer is who i am. The heart that beats in my chest. The blood that runs through my veins. That is all i can offer… I would hope that would be enough to get her to shine her light on me.

Sometimes

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Sometimes i find myself wondering what it was about you. What was it about you exactly that made me want to meet you. After what you have done, did to us… I want to just go back in time and un meet you.

I want to forget your smile. I want to forget the sound of your name. I want to not remember how sweet and smooth your name was to say.. I dont want to have the memories of who i thought you were in my head. I dont want my skin to remember the feel of yours, i want to forget the warmth of your breath on my neck when you would whisper my name or tell me to kiss you.. There are just soooo many things that i want to forget.. I want to no longer love you as much as i still do…

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This is the hardest part.. No matter how much i try to find things to occupy my time so i dont think of you… There is so much of “us” here. All the places that we went, the restaurants, the park, the places at work, the music.. When you left, you didnt take the memories with you. I want to unlove you.. I want to wipe you and everything you were from my life and my mind… But the heart wants what the heart wants…

Sometimes, the only way that i can forget you, even for just a little while is to exercise until i just cant move… until every muscle, bone, tendon, ligament and fiber of my being is pushed to exhaustion. even then, the relief from the sound of your voice and the image of your smile is temporary… eventually, all those things come back when my house is quiet..and i can hear myself breathe.

Sometimes.. When it is dark and still, and im alone with just my thoughts… I find myself wondering how much of us was even real… how much of what you gave me was just an illusion. my mind begins to question what my role was in your life.

I want to unlove you, i want to go back in time to un meet you… But sometimes its just so hard to do…

numquam frangere, confidunt, promissa, cordibus

That moment

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that moment just before your lips touch Hers. The desire that built up that led to this moment. The deeper breathing, the quivering of her skin, the way she is almost trying to melt into you and become part of you… You know this moment.. I think we all do.. We all want this moment to happen.. Some more than others…

I look at this pic and i can almost feel the chemistry between them. I once had a girl in my life that between the two of us, the tension was so thick that you could almost just be covered in the chemistry if you tried to walk between us. Something about the way we used to look at each other… The way her blue eyes could pierce right through my exterior and light this primal fire deep inside me… Something about the way her skin felt when it was against mine… The way her breathing would become shallow and she would breathe through her mouth.. Almost like she was trying to share her soul with me when i would kiss her delicious mouth… Just to feel the tenderness of her lips.. And feel the hot wetness of her tongue…

that moment when the universe binds both of you in a deep passionate blanket.. The rest of the world disappears.. And it is just in that moment that the both of you exist. All you know is you want every molecule, every atom, every particle of your being to merge and become part of her.. When the most primal parts of your brain take over.. And you just want to possess, take her into your arms and protect her and claim her as yours… And she in turns melts into you.. The curves of her body molding itself to the contours of yours… The look in her eyes, hot with desire, fuels your need to become one with her…

We all want that moment
I envy the people that experience that moment the fire, the passion… I miss it… I hope ill feel and experience that delicious moment again soon..

Insomnia

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This is so true.. I dont know about you. Ever since she ended it, i have never stopped thinking about her and missing the friend and the lover that walked out of my life. Every night i welcome the bliss of sleep. Those few hours before your memory, your ghost comes to visit me in my mind. Its hard to sleep when i can hear your voice in my dreams.. It is hard to sleep when in my heart, i want to rage against you in my dreams, and then i hear your voice like a distant wind… And it always calms the beast within me… I hate you for that.. Even though you have left me, i still cant be mad at you. I hate that you know that i went all in to this and you didnt even want to try..

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I am so guilty of this, i do think of you all the time.. To the point that i have to listen to music when i sleep. I try to remember the words to the songs.. That way i dont have to think of you.. By thinking of the lyrics, the ghost you left behind cant come into my mind. I guess my problem is that wear my heart on my sleeve instead of keeping it tucked away behind my armor. With you, i wanted to show you the side of me that others never got to see, the side of me that was always hidden away behind the armor of the knight that always needed a dragon to slay.. And now all you have left me with are the memories of our moments together.. And i think of you ALL the time

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In my life, ive gone through my share of having my heart broken. Each time i was able to power right through it. I just separated my feelings from myself and went in it with my eyes on, but with my heart tucked away in a safe place where no matter what happened, i could be stoic and just let things happen. With you it was different. With you i wanted you to see me at my most unguarded moment. I wanted you to see that for the right person, i was willing to take off the armor that protected me for so long. With that sacrifice, i guess i forgot that there would always be the chance that i would end up paying the ultimate price.. Having my heart broken and torn to pieces.

they say its a broken heart.. Im sure the diagnosis is correct. It probably is just a sad case of a broken heart… What they dont see is that i actually feel my heart breaking. I actually have that pain in my chest that feels like an icy knife is just repeatedly stabbing me over and over in the same spot. Whenever i hear your name at work, i feel like the person that said your name actually took a spear and jammed it into my chest. When i try to sleep at night, i do ok for a while, until your ghost comes to visit me.. Then i wake up with the memory of your voice in my ears, the scent of your hair and skin rising up from memory and wanting to feel you next to me again…

I want to wake up from this nightmare, i want to look at my phone and see a text message from you, or see your beautiful smile on my phone to wake me up… I miss you

numquam frangere, confidunt, promissa, cordibus

The illusion

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The illusionists. The people that with a slight of hand and just the power of suggestion, can convince us to believe in something that really isnt there nor didnt really happen.

Its too bad that sometimes our brains and our hearts want to believe in something so much that we are willing to ignore all the warning signs that something or someone isnt good for us. we see what we want to see in my experience, this is instinct is usually pretty adamant and i tend to listen, which is probably why i hardly ever got hurt in a relationship. This last go round though, i believed what i was shown.. I believed in the girl next door. I believed in the devout catholic that would scold me for not staying until the end of mass.. I believed in the girl that wanted a “simple” life.. I didnt want to hear or see the signs that she was looking for someone that would elevate her status or get her to join the first wives club.

we see what we want i believed in the girl that laid in my arms. I believed all the whispered secrets, and the silly dreams that we would talk about. I took it all in and believed every word, because it was what i wanted to see.. I didnt listen to my brain that was telling me that everything was too good to be true…

we see what we want ok universe, lesson learned… But it doesnt make it hurt any less..